Losing It Again for Good

I have been fat my entire life, except for a brief few years when I experienced life as a thin person after losing 100 pounds.

I was 21 years old and woke up the day after a bad breakup and decided I no longer wanted to settle for less. Less was a man who cheated on me every chance he got. He was also my FIRST serious boyfriend, so I guess I felt fortunate to have someone - anyone who said he loved me.

I started a diet that day that lasted an entire year and helped me shrink from 218 pounds to 118 pounds. I was oddly determined and believe it or not, I NEVER cheated that entire year. I stuck to the plan, which was basically the Weight Watchers Quick Start plan (1984 -- before the Points system). I didn't join WW this particular time, but borrowed the booklet from a friend. Quick Start was about 800 calories a day -- I didn't realize that it was only meant to be for the first few weeks to give weight loss a boost.

It certainly was not easy. Every night at 7:00 PM I would ceremoniously eat my last morsel of food for the day, a red delicious apple. By bedtime my stomach would be noisily churning with hunger. I couldn't wait until morning when I could have my next meal of 1/2 a banana; 1/2 cup of skim milk; and 3/4 cup of Special K for breakfast. I thought I was so clever putting pressure on my empty belly by sleeping on my stomach to quiet the rumbling.

Was life all fairy tales and happiness after losing 100 pounds? At first, yes it was. It was a major accomplishment and one I had dreamed of my entire 21 years of life. I remember thinking that it only took me one year -- why had I given up so many times before?

Everything was a double-edged sword though. All of a sudden men noticed me, which was amazing, but weird. I had never really thought about the fact that men looked past me before as they would a boulder standing in their lines of vision. Suddenly they were turning their heads to check me out as I walked past.

My body looked great -- in clothes. The possibility of sagging flesh never entered my mind, however, when I sat down, the skin on my legs spread out like pancake batter on a hot griddle. At the gym in my leotard (hey, it was the 80's), I would get on all fours to do leg lifts and my excess stomach skin would fall toward my belly button and puddle inside the stretchy Lycra. I NEVER wore a bathing suit. It was a huge disappointment.

Back then I had never heard of weight loss surgery, as it seemed there were very few obese people like myself. To illustrate my point, there was only ONE Lane Bryant plus-sized clothing store in our entire state, and it was tailored towards mature women. As a teenager, I squeezed into as many local x-larges that I could find and relied on the Levi's store (now the Gap) sized 38 waist jeans and corduroy pants to form my wardrobe. When my father passed at 13 years-old, my mother and I drove almost two hours to the Lane Bryant store to find a funeral-appropriate outfit. I was so embarrassed to have to shop there.

Shopping for clothes as a thin woman should have been fun, but it freaked me out. I had always just gone to the very end of every rack to flip through the narrow selection of the largest possible size in only a few limited stores. Suddenly I could shop anywhere in the whole mall? It was overwhelming to have so many choices. I would always pick the wrong size, bring it into the dressing room and be shocked that it was too big. It was strange not knowing my own body. As a fat girl, I had always fantasized about wearing clothing that hugged my body and showed off my curves. The year that I got thin, do you know what was in fashion? Dirndle skirts!!!!!! Basically a skirt with hundreds of gathers and folds that made you look three times your size.

Lightheartedness aside -- staying thin was a struggle for many reasons that I won't go into in this post. When the weight crept back up after a few years and it was clear that my thin days were history, I was somewhat relieved to stop the dieting rollercoaster. I had a glimpse of the other side and found that it wasn't as magical as I thought it would be.

Here I am today at 47-years-old and 255 pounds -- ready to tackle this demon once and for all. I know there won't be a rainbow and pot of gold at the end of my journey this time, but I do know that I will have more energy; will be able to move my body around less cumbersomely; and will hopefully be able to avoid many of the family diseases that are headed my way if things don't change.